Is this the time of the Real Housewives of Atlanta where everything falls apart? Is this the time when we all find out that the weak bonds that hold these women together are as fragile as a Forever 21 bralette? Is this the season when these women realize they can finally get away from NeNe Leakes and their position as the hub of Atlanta? Is this the time when women realize that men are garbage and we would all be better off living in purely female communities? Because as far as I can see, trying to keep up appearances and live the life they imagined is the cause of many of their problems.
For Porsha and Kenya they all went on two absolute garbage ships and now they have to pick up the pieces. For Cynthia and NeNe, they’re both too scared to let the other win, so they were reduced to passive aggression on a pride float. Is there anything passive aggressive about a Pride Float? For Eva and Kandi…. Okay, I guess things are going pretty well for Eva and Kandi. So maybe my theory doesn’t quite hold up. Let’s get to the point.
We start right where the last episode left off, with NeNe desperately heading for Kelly Dodd to avoid eye contact with Cynthia. Cynthia tells NeNe that she looks good. Every word is spoken with all the false enthusiasm when you meet this one person you always see in the laundry room of your building and you’ve been living there for five full years, but you never learned her name. Are they married? Do they have a child? You don’t know it, but you know they got a haircut because you can see it with your eyes.
The montage of everyone dancing and hanging around at Pride is really fun, and Bravo had to wipe out the faces of all the local drag queens. Could the rest of the episode be just blurred drag queens on the street so we don’t see these women crying? No? FINE. Before the parade is over, NeNe says, “Never in my life would I have thought that the gay community would love me so much.” There’s not enough time to even start unpacking….
Back in Atlanta Porsha goes to her therapist and her therapist asks her if Dennis deserves her trust or if she just gave it to him. I had to lie down, that was so profound. This one line from this therapist led me to re-evaluate not only every relationship I have ever been in, but also every relationship my friends and family have been in. Porsha is willing to kick the whole man out, and her therapist wants to make sure she doesn’t make any decisions when she’s angry. THERAPIST. When do you expect her not to get upset? When is this day? How many years in the future is the day when she can quietly make a decision about her fraudulent ex? Because I have dummies I dated more than eight years ago, and I’m still holding on to some insults I never could use. Your therapist suggests that one day she would like to have a warm relationship with Dennis for her daughter, and as suggested by the latest Instagram posts, they could now be more than just warm.
Kandi’s plot this episode is quite healthy. She offers Kenya support, she takes ace to meet her deputy. Kandi is adorable as hell. First, Kenya goes to her house to casually ask if Kandi’s husband is also a totally inflexible turnip. It sounds as if Kenya’s day does something and then Marc does the exact opposite of the work in Kenya. She puts the baby in her crib. Marc gets the baby out. She puts the baby in a diaper. Marc takes the baby out and just puts it on the floor, I guess? He also thinks the baby should sit in her dirty diaper, so he tells Kenya not to change Brooklyn. This man has OTHER CHILDREN, right?
Back in New York, Cynthia is out for dinner with Eva. Listen, I know we all love when they show that the housewives actually order dinner, but this episode, they’ve taken it a step higher. They summed up how much Eva’s scandalous dinner order costs. Their dinner costs 178 dollars and Cynthia’s order 44 dollars. They didn’t have to do that to any of them, but damn it, Bravo gave us what we wanted. Cynthia then tells Eva that Marlo will show up, and Eva asks for 15 to-go boxes because she refuses to sit at the same table with Marlo. She says: “Marle is a very bad person with a thick tip on the wig.” The devil works hard, but Eva’s insults work harder.
Marlo comes to dinner and immediately says that Eva has a fraudulent life and she had no job when one of them met her. So, what is Marle doing there? She’s there to ask if there’s a way for Cynthia to be the bigger person and just apologize. Cynthia says she’s always the one you expect to be the bigger person, and she doesn’t do it this time.
I think everyone is generally on Cynthia’s side (according to a Watch What Happens live poll, somehow), but at this point, we get so far from the actual abysses, it’s unclear exactly what the problem is and who did what first. It seems NeNe is generally evil and Cynthia generally didn’t have it anymore.
So Marlo brings this information to a very formal lunch with NeNe at Central Park Boathouse. They both wear different shades of gold. NeNe wears 14 scarves as outfits and Marlo wears a sequined overall during the day. They both order a version of a seafood cocktail and get to work. NeNe says that Cynthia was one of her bridesmaids and she is considering getting back the Bible she gave Cynthia. NeNe’s side of the argument seems to be: “You put up with my crap before and I was pretty nice to you, so go ahead.” NeNe thinks because Cynthia called her toxic in the press, there’s nothing Cynthia or anyone could say to get NeNe to apologize. This bitch doesn’t apologize and the mere suggestion of it makes NeNe get up, go out and get into a bike taxi and drive into the sunset. It’s completely unreasonable and completely neutral.
While Kandi makes a very sweet visit to OB/GYN with Ace and Todd, Kandi gets a text from Kenya to come by because she is in a bad place. Kandi hurries over to Kenya with presents for li’l Brooklyn and Kenya likes to putt around the house. After a little small talk Kenya convinces herself to admit that she doesn’t have sex with Marc, her relationship is rocky, he is basically verbally abusive, and on top of that Kenya has made his jubilee trip himself. Kenya wants to know if the first year of marriage is so difficult for everyone. I mean. I have only.
Poor Kenya. Poor, poor Kenya.
She’s waited all her life to have a baby and calm down, and now that the man she’s settled with has no interest in being a supportive partner anymore, she has absolutely no idea what to do. She turns to Kandi and Kandi’s advice feels like a beginner. “Talk to him? Take the nanny on a trip?” Kenya also asks Kandi if she is a monster in her relationship, and Kandi admits that she sometimes screams or hits Todd with a low blow, but she mostly apologizes for hurting his feelings. Of course Kandi tries the best she can, but if your boyfriend is in a really horrible relationship, there’s never any good advice. Sometimes you have to help someone come to the realization that he can throw his verbally abusive husband on the curb. Sometimes you can help someone realize that leaving a bad situation is not a mistake. Kenya says she will protect her daughter because Kenya never felt protected as a child. Once you say those things and run into your bedroom so the cameras don’t see you crying, it’s time to stop giving shit and bring it together.