I’m sitting here struggling to figure out where to start this episode, which feels like there’s not enough meat on his bones. Am I starting with Kandi shamelessly ignoring the idea that Todd can’t handle female children, or am I starting with Cynthia to have an extensive monologue about the “tiddies” of Kenya? Where is Eva and does she have something going on? CAN WE TALK ABOUT NENE’S LIFE COACH? There are things to talk about, but I don’t think I care? Seven episodes of the season, things are supposed to take shape, but we’re still getting invitations to the Tanya-sponsored trip in black and white flashbacks. We’re looking at an extensive series of a VERY FEMALE game that combines football and bowling. How is all this supposed to come together? I think the best way to tackle this is to go from the most important to the least important, so let’s go there.
First up, Porsha. Porsha starts the episode with Marlo, of all people, for a trip around Atlanta on one of those pedal carts. I didn’t know you could rent it for two for a non-bachelor party. Marlo’s working on Porsha. Asking her how she feels about NeNe. Porsha says NeNe crossed a line when she mentioned her fat while breastfeeding. Then Marlo takes a positive way of thinking when she says we are willing to accept swearing and abuse from our boyfriends, but we don’t accept it from our girlfriends.
Wait… how does that work in your mind, Marlo? Are you advocating more abuse of our friends or less abuse of our boyfriends? The search for meaning or a coherent logical system in Marlo’s opinion is a fool. Marlo also says they should all look more like Michelle Obama and if they get low… blah blah blah. Do you think Michelle Obama is watching Real Housewives of Atlanta? Do you think she has an opinion on the NeNe-Cynthia feud? I like to imagine that she does and that she’s VEHEMENTLY #TeamCynthia. I hope every Sunday all of Michelle’s friends come by and watch every episode together, and tonight they all shouted when Michelle got TWO mentions! Maybe being listed on Real Housewives of Atlanta for Michelle Obama will be echoed by Chrissy Teigen for the rest of us farmers.
But Marlo isn’t just working on Porsha over NeNe. She also started Porsha over Dennis.
Can I just say one thing? F*ck Marlo. It’s one thing to ask your boyfriend about their relationship and maybe whine a little bit about not hanging out with their cute boyfriend, but Marlo goes over the line. She whines at Porsha, tells her that she hopes they can fix it, drags Porsha to Dennis’ restaurant and then makes her FACETIME and begs her to tell him that she still loves him. Ohhhhh, f*ck you, Marlo. If there are rumors flying around that your boyfriend’s ex loved dogs that had sex and cheated on her while she was pregnant, maybe don’t force her to tell him that she loves him so you can keep eating the hot dogs. There must be other hot dogs in Atlanta.
So at the end of the episode, Porsha goes to a new therapy session with Dennis. Phew. Chili. The Dennis. What does Dennis have to say for himself? It was a mistake. That their sex changed with Porsha was pregnant. That Porsha… became heavier? Am I hearing that right?! What breaks my heart is that Porsha seems to be tied to this idea that kicking Dennis to the curb would mean tearing her family apart. There are a lot of people who raise their children alone because their former partner is trash. Porsha has a family that wants to support and help her and the means to hire some help. Unfortunately, she also has a whole community of people who have told her that what Dennis did isn’t so bad and can’t she just say that she loves him? Can’t she just admit it?
Plus, Dennis’ stupid ass sits there and says things like, “We’re still technically involved” and asks for a hug. Porsha agrees not to run him over with her car and they drive away in the distance.
The next in the emotional torture hierarchy is Kenya. Ohhhhh Kenya. First, Kenya drops the other Shelly O reference of the episode when she visits Cynthia and tells her that Michelle Obama would say she has a partner who is a great teammate. According to Kenya, Marc looks more like an opponent during an argument. So, later, to address this, Kenya goes to an estate planner to find out what to do with her substantial assets. She wants to make sure her house and money all go to Brooklyn… and not Marc. The estate lawyer says she needs to appoint someone she trusts to manage the trust or the estate. Kenya is bursting into flames and tears. Marc would have no problem running the trust if he was able to make decisions. Kenya’s attempts to hide how unhappy she is with Marc will soon come to a climax, as we will have a dinner for couples in the next episode and Marc doesn’t seem to have anything to do with it.
We finally meet the life coach of NeNe, and who is this Fashion to Figure who wears a dilettante? She rolls over to NeNe’s house and sits down with a cocktail. This doesn’t seem professional. I don’t know if this woman really challenges NeNe in a real way or just teaches NeNe how to be passive-aggressive with a better vocabulary. Tamara, the life coach, speaks in vague phrases like, “You know, people say that time heals all wounds, but our choices heal.” Umm… okay. NeNe tells NeNe about how she left Marlo’s wig party when Kenya appeared as if it was a huge achievement, and Tamara tells NeNe that she left because she’s working on herself and dealing with everyone. Sometimes the healing process is ugly, but that’s exactly how choices and feelings heal. NeNe still decides if she will join the girls trip to Toronto. NeNe, if you don’t go on a group trip, go SHOUT SEASON. You can and will be replaced. Andy Cohen stays up all night on Google “Atlanta Celebrities” until he finds someone to fill your wig.
So that just leaves Cynthia and Kandi. Kandi still has to deal with her husband not being able to talk to a female child. Kaela, Todd’s daughter, is going to the airport to move to New York. Todd and Kaela haven’t talked to each other in the last month, and Kandi doesn’t know what to do. She says that when it is her child with someone else or Todd’s child with someone else, they tend to leave each other alone when it comes to parenting decisions, so she is nervous about what will happen to their new daughter. Umm… do you wonder what it’ll be like to be a parent with Todd, someone you have a 3-year-old child with? Oh. (chuckles) Oh, no.
Cynthia’s just hoping that Mike Hill will propose to her and hope it happens NOW. She’s trying to make some room in her closet for his stuff. It’s a real surprise Cynthia doesn’t have those skinny velvet pendants everyone loves so much. It’s also a real shock that she’s turned a bedroom into a closet, but it’s just a pile of Louis Vuitton wallets in the middle of the floor. She tells Eva and her Mike about the recording and Mike Hill becomes ERG intense. He says that he will protect his wife and that EVERYTHING that someone registers is A STUK OF SHIT. Cynthia radiates to her beautiful husband who doesn’t give her a timeline when he moves to Atlanta. But I think the next episode might change that…